(An unpublished blog written for Hoxby – a freelance collective with a focus on flexible working.)
Not everyone is born resilient, a lot of us build it through experience. And sometimes the 'bounce-backability' we develop is weakened by stress. Writer and digital content manager Will Marlow explains how he’s rebuilding his resilience after burning out.
In 2019 I reached breaking point. I sent an email to a colleague angrily explaining why my team hadn’t done the piece of work he kept asking about. I told him he should be aware of the difficulties we were facing at the moment. I told him he should cut us some slack. Of course, I immediately regretted it. It was over-the-top, unnecessary and woefully unprofessional. I realised I was no longer in appropriate control.
Two things about this incident told me I had a bigger problem than just my huge workload to solve. Firstly, techniques I had learnt over the years to manage anger or frustration at work were no longer working. I didn’t delay my response and take some deep breaths. I didn’t go for a walk and respond when the anger had gone. And I didn’t ask myself the key question that can immediately burst a swelling bubble of frustration – will I care about this in five years’ time? (Answer: I can’t remember what the piece of work was just two years on!)
Secondly, this was a colleague I got on with. He wasn’t a colleague whose approach to work differs so much you have to work at working together. This was a man I’d had many honest and useful conversations with, an ally in the office if you like. That I’d lost my temper with him told me that something had gone very wrong. Stress was overwhelming me.
The signs of burnout
Often, you’re unaware of a workload growing into full-blown chronic stress. It happens gradually. My busy workload became a highly stressful job through a series of unfortunate events and bad timing, most of which I had no control over (more on that later). I took on more responsibility than I could handle – some of it (with hindsight) unnecessarily. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. But there were clues it was very much not the right thing.
Unable to relax or sleep
I would have stress dreams where I would find myself working again at my first job, but completely unable to do the things I used to do with aplomb. When I was with friends, I’d find myself talking about work all the time; nothing else got a look in. I’d skip the gym as my brain was so tired; I just wanted to slump on the sofa and zone out. Work polluted everything.
Unable to organise
Without realising it was happening, I’d lost control of my working day. There’s a difference between being flexible and just being reactive. I became the latter, finding myself busy all day without ticking much off my to-do list. I lost perspective and my ability to prioritise. Attempts to organise my time no longer worked because I felt overwhelmed.
Unable to appreciate the wins
I became increasingly negative about the work both I and the organisation were doing. I was lucky enough to spend some time with a career coach last year and it was a revelation to me to have someone point out all the stuff I did achieve in the past few years. I hadn’t really noticed.
Instead, I became focused on what hadn’t been done yet, what should’ve been done better, or what couldn’t be done. When things were completed, I just ticked them off and moved on to the next thing. I no longer had the space in my head to reflect on work that was done and done well; to understand and appreciate that I was achieving things.
That negativity inevitability spilled into work conversations. I wasn’t the only one – we all like a bit of a moan or rant about difficulties at work. Indeed, I’d say those conversations are useful to 1) keep you sane, and 2) facilitate problem-solving. But a constant stream of negativity becomes unhelpful, and reflects on you badly. I’d find that even when my pointing out a potential issue prevented that issue occurring, I was still mulling over the other things that nearly caused that issue. I’d lost the ability to acknowledge and enjoy when a problem was solved.
Unable to care about the work
For me, this came in the final stages of being overwhelmed by stress. I plummeted from caring too much to not caring at all. For someone who prides himself on being a conscientious and helpful colleague, this was devastating. But my drive had left me.
Returning to resilient working – and enjoying work!
I’ll be honest – recovering from burnout isn’t easy. Prevention is always going to be the better option. If you get even a hint of any of the above happening to you, then apply all of the following without hesitation. Resilience is key to everyone’s working life – not least in the past year and as we continue to work through the upheaval of a global pandemic.
Prioritise your physical and mental health
Where I would skip the gym in favour of trash telly for my tired brain, I’ve since learnt to separate these elements of my life. Rather than allow work to affect my exercise routine, I switch from Working Will to Exercising Will. My focus shifts to exercise rather than remaining on work after I’ve switched the computer off.
Factoring time for rest and renewal is a key part of maintaining your physical and mental health. Working long hours and weekends is a key factor in burnout. Understanding when and for how long I’m at my most productive has been so useful in managing my workload, and is why I was drawn to Hoxby’s ‘workstyle’ philosophy. I’m not a morning person, but I do power up naturally around 11am. Plus my brain is oddly creative between 11pm and 1am! Being aware of that has helped me work out the best times to rest through the week.
Other health tips you might have heard many times before – because they work! Move more, eat healthily, cut back on caffeine and alcohol, practice mindfulness or meditation, have good sleep hygiene (such as not looking at screens before sleeping). All of these have helped me rebuild my resilience.
Approach and respond to things positively
Easier said than done! But I have been learning how to question the negative attitude and responses that became ingrained when I was stressed. I now ask myself, is there another way to look at this situation? It sounds cheesy, but… is this a problem or an opportunity? I’ve found that optimism facilitates resilience, pessimism eats away at it.
I’d allowed less friendly work relationships to deteriorate when I was burning out. Some colleagues became obstructions in my mind, rather than people with shared business goals. Positive communication with all your colleagues – and being able to ask for and offer help – is essential for avoiding bad days at work.
One tactic I’ve learnt (or relearnt) is approaching situations or conversations (especially potentially difficult ones) neutrally. Rather than go in to something expecting a battle, go in with no expectations. It makes for much nicer and more useful conversations.
Another tactic is letting go of what I think ‘should’ be happening. Whether something ‘should’ or ‘should not’ take place, the reality is sometimes different. I’m learning to accept that when it happens and take things from there. It saves a lot of time and argument.
Know what’s important to you – and what you can control
You have a huge amount of resilience when you care about the work you’re doing. But I lost focus on what my goals at work were; I became overwhelmed by the bigger picture – things I had little influence or no control over. I’m learning now how to keep my focus on what is important to me, what I can influence, and what is achievable.
Many people get stressed about making mistakes at work as well. One thing I have long understood is that a mistake is always something to learn from. You’ll gain new information about your client, customers, colleagues, organisation, yourself – or all of them! I’m also learning to remember that failure isn’t permanent – there will be successes and triumphs to come.
I’m more comfortable asking questions now as well – you don’t know what you don’t know, but you can control that by asking questions. Scarily, the more knowledge I do gain the more I realise how much more there is to learn about the world. I have 25 years left of my working life; even learning every day I’ll have barely scratched the surface when I retire. And that’s okay.
Find out more about how Hoxby's experts can help your HR team develop a happy, fulfilled, and highly productive workforce. And discover how The Hoxby Foundation is popularising #workstyle – flexible working that everyone can access, no matter their challenges in life.
