I don't escape the water on the way to the travel agent. I tell them not to get me, but I still I get a bit wet. Water pistols, thankfully, no buckets. Luckily the travel agent is just around the corner. I look at the trips on offer and they all look much the same. I pick one that takes you up Doi Inthanon, the tallest mountain in Thailand. That sounds cool, I think, and buy a ticket.
I head back, again having to run for my life. Well, my dryness anyway.
Changing into just a pair of shorts (I want a tan, man!) I go and meet Anna and some others at Taphae Gate, where I was supposed to meet Vicky yesterday. With some mobile phone navigation (both of us talking through a plastic bag - not easy, I tell you) I eventually find them in the market square, where it`s relatively safe. But all of us are wet through already anyway so that doesn`t matter.
We go for breakfast at a cafe down a road that`s relatively quiet. I have a Mexican beans on bread with cheese thing which is so filling it hurts but damn good hangover food. Just as we`re finishing brekkie we start to get fired at. People going past must be seeing the empty plates and thinking it`s okay. I try and cover my still-to-be-drunk coffee with some success. The rest of the table gets absolutely soaked. We`re all laughing but Joey`s not happy. She starts shouting at them, to no avail. Then the boys sat next to us, Swedish I think, pay their bill, stand up behind us, giggle evilly, and start firing. Sitting ducks, I tell you. Joey flips. I wouldn`t want to get on the wrong side of her.
We pay and head off for a wander. We end up stopping at some hilarious rock bar that`s pumping out the Iron Maiden and AC/DC tunes. We stay there for awhile; I have a shoot-out with a young Thai lad, maybe about nine. He`s taking it all very seriously, doesn`t crack a smile once, but he`s obviously loving every second. He has a go on my gun for awhile, it dwarfs him completely.
But none of the guys I`m with are getting into it that much. The problem is the weather. It`s overcast and actually quite cold. I have to go back and get my adidas jacket at one point because I`m pretty much shivering due to lack of t-shirt. It`s soaked in seconds of course, but it`s better than nothing. After awhile of drinking beer, Anna decides to go back to her guesthouse and get away from it all. We`re still waiting for Vicky to show up (still in bed) so I wait there with Liz, an American girl who teaches in Bangkok and wants to meet up with Vicky as well. She`s been home for awhile and has not seen her so is keen to have a catch-up with her.
I chat with Liz a bit and wait for Vicky to call. It`s down to me to contact her as Liz lost her phone, camera and wallet while swimming in the moat yesterday. They are all now at the bottom in a plastic bag.
I eventually hear from Vicky and we decide to go and meet her at Chang Puak gate on the northern side of the moat. Now, this doesn`t look very far on the map (and probably isn`t NORMALLY) and there`s no point getting a tuk-tuk - the traffic is at a virtual standstill around the moat - so we walk.
But what Liz and I don`t count on is the hordes of Songkran revellers we have to get through to get there. It takes forever. I try and shoot my way through the hundreds of people but Liz soon puts a stop to this, saying I`m antagonising them and just bringing more water our way. She`s right. As soon as I start firing on a retaliate-only basis, less water comes our way. But not much. Just being a farang seems to attract enough attention. At one point five Thais throw their buckets at me at the same time. I can`t see for a good 20 seconds. It`s crazy, crazy, crazy. And how I don`t lose Liz, I don`t know.
But we get through it, and with a few vague directions from Thais who just point in the general direction of where we want to go (this is the traditional Thai way of giving directions, which I`m slowly getting used to), we eventually get there. Liz goes and gets food while I try and contact Vicky with my slowly dying phone (this is from lack of battery power rather than water - it`s surprisingly resilient!). Somehow we manage to find each other. While Liz and Vicky have a catch-up I eat some food. It`s more to warm-up than because I`m hungry - I think my Mexican feast could keep me going for days.
We think about getting a tuk-tuk round but decide it`s a bad idea. We`d be sitting ducks and would get more water than we could give out. So we grab some coffee from a 7 Eleven and walk down the middle of town, where Vicky and I saw the procession yesterday. But then we see some Swedish guys with a pick-up truck and, on the spur of the moment, Liz asks for a lift. They oblige and we get in and sit in the back. What happened to our worries about being sitting ducks, I have no idea.
Just after the final Swede gets in at the front, he gets out again and says, "Oh by the way, the driver`s drunk as hell." Fuck. We look at each other and burst out laughing. Too late now. The truck has moved off and is heading the wrong way down a one way street. They reverse past the barrier that should have told them `No Entry`, and off we go for a drive through Chiang Mai.
We really are easy targets. Before long we are getting soaked from every angle. I try and get into a better position to fire back and end up knocking my coffee over. I fail to get into required better position and end up sitting in my own coffee. Thankfully the girls think this is hilarious as well. Eventually, thankfully, the boys stop the truck and get out. We need no encouragement to clamber out ourselves. We thank them and walk back towards our guesthouses, Liz`s not being far from mine. Vicky goes back with Liz and I head back to mine to sleep off my lingering hangover.
When I wake up I call Anna. Everyone`s meeting at an Irish pub up the road from me so I head up there, stopping to get some food on the way. I find a place that does free internet if you eat there. What a neat idea, I think, defo be coming back here.
Heading towards the pub I see Anna, Joey, Hannah and Richard walking down the street. Richard asks if I`ve just come out of the cash machine. I tell him yes, that`s where I`m staying. We go to the pub but everyone`s outside. We seem to be going somewhere else. I just join the crowd and follow.
We stop at a VW van with the side opened up to form a bar. Inside are sat a French dude (really long nose gave him away as much as his accent)...
...and his Thai wife (who`s stunning). We do some shots and chat shit to each other. They really are quite the most amazing shots any of us have ever had (we`re saying this after we`ve had them, of course), and the favourite seems to be the Orgasm, which lives up to its name extremely well.
We go back to the Irish pub to pick up some more people but some of the group just stay. I end up going off with Vicky and Liz to find Brian and Nick. They`re in some bar down a small dusty road with a host of small bars, most of which are playing reggae. We look into each one but can`t find the lads. Eventually we find them in a bar watching a Thai covers band play the likes of the Chilis and Green Day. We sit on round wicker chairs right in front of the band; it`s deafening. There`s a white guy with dreads dancing alongside them, loving each song as the band starts with the opening riff. Beside him a Thai girl dances to a different beat. One in her own head it seems, as she`s moving at a frenetic pace totally out of sync with the music. But this, I will learn, is just how Thais dance. Rhythm doesn`t come into it.
We go back to the others at the Irish pub. A Canadian lad challenges everyone to air hockey. He thinks he`s the king but is actually quite terrible at it. I watch the matches wondering if there is actually any skill to this game or if it`s just luck. I play Anna and I`m terrible. Yeah, it`s just luck.
Freebs orders a round of Jagermeister and Red Bull shots. Sounds disgusting but is actually pretty nice. We chat for awhile and she tells me I`m a really cool guy and that there`s a friend of hers in Australia that she`d really love me to meet. But she`s off to the UK so won`t be there to introduce us while I`m there. I`m not too gutted.
At one point later Hannah asks if I`m offended by the use of the word `gay` to mean something that`s a bit rubbish. She`s been using it a fair bit, I noticed earlier. I tell her I used to be, and she groans, but I go on. I used to be and I had a word with my younger sister Libby about it, cos she was using it that way and it was pissing me off. But then I figured, well, we appropriated the word in the first place. It used to mean something completely different before - i.e. happy - and then it became something else. Words change their meaning, it happens, and I think, if people are obviously not using it in a way that`s derogatory about gay people then what`s the fuss? I tell her that lots of gay people got pissed off with Chris Moyles for using it on his radio show and were saying he`s homophobic. But I reckon he`s about as anti-homophobic as you can get. He has a gay man on his team on the show and treats him in exactly the same way as all the others on the team (which, in terms of his show, is taking the piss). To me that`s normalising it. That`s got to be better than the usual camp so-called `representations` we still get in the media.
I don`t bang on as much as that to Hannah but I give her that general drift. She still seems annoyed with herself for using the word `gay` like that though, bless her.
We go on to a club I can`t remember the name of, which seems to be behind a multi-storey car park. We try and get in but our Canadian air hockey expert has no ID (turns out he`s only 17, which explains a lot about him). We go and get a drink from a bar next to the club and sit outside in the car park. I sit with Anna and we start chatting. It gets intense pretty quickly and I tell her much the same stuff I was talking about with Vicky last night. Anna returns the favour, she`s got her own unrequited love thing going on, and me telling her my story seems to have some inspirational effect on her. She says so anyway.
Then, as soon as chatty Canadian Kelly heads home, Hannah lets rip about her. It`s so unexpected. I thought this little group were quite tight knit. Turns out not to be so, and as the evening has worn own I`ve begun to see all the little niggles, rivalries and unspoken annoyances emerge. It`s nice in a way - I don`t feel such an outsider now.
I have no idea where I am and I`m as drunk as hell so I head back to Anna`s and crash there with her, Freebs and Joey. I`m on a blanket on the floor but, thanks to the spirits inside me, sleep comes quickly.
April 15
Someone speaks.
"You okay down there Will?"
I consider my reply.
"Who are you?"
Anna laughs and we all compare hangovers - we`re all pretty bad. I have some breakfast with them, which isn`t easy to eat, I must say, then head back. It`s only 10 or so but I need to get back before the water-fighting starts. They`re staying on the north-western side of town, so it`s a bit of a trek.
I head out and hunt down a sawngthaew. They`re easy to find and I get in one with a father and son sat in front. The son gets out, finds out where I`m staying and tells me it`ll be 20 baht, that okay? Are you kidding, I think, of course it`s okay. That`s cheap as hell.
But then we drive through streets I don`t recognise at all and I start to wonder what`s going on. Eventually, though, the son gets out and the father beckons me into the front of the cab. Ah, just dropping his boy off. I get in and he motions for me to wind the window up. The water-fighting, it seems, is about to start any minute.
He`s a grizzly little fella - wrinkled, messy `tache, mischievous glint in his eye. He has a sip from a cup of ice water that`s sat on the dashboard and motions for me to have a sip as well. I accept gratefully. I could drink the moat right now. But as the liquid hits my lips I barely contain a splutter. It`s whisky. My stomach`s not happy. The driver grins at me inanely and starts singing the word whisky. He continues to throw random English words at me as we drive. I nod and smile a lot while watching the road. He isn’t, much, and yet his driving is impeccable.
Eventually he drops me off near the guesthouse, alive and in one piece. I go back and read for a bit, tired but not sleepy. Anna texts me - do I want to go and see a film? What film, I ask. It`s gonna have to be good to trek all the way back over to her, get soaking wet and sit in a air-conditioned cinema in wet clothes. The Good Shepherd she replies. Jess told me it was dull so I decline and get back to my book.
I sit by the pool at my guesthouse reading and watching Jack play with her equally young but much more obviously feminine friend Serena. They are water-fighting and turn on this American guy who has been chatting to them. He gets soaked and has to go into his room (which is near the pool) to get changed. Jack threatens to throw a bucket of water through the open window and I shout at her not to. "Why?" she asks, and I make up some crappy adult excuse. She`s unimpressed but doesn`t throw the bucket. Instead she and Serena start on me. I warn them off cos I`ve got a book and my phone with me. Jack points out that the book and phone are on the table and not on me so pours a bucket down my back. She goes for some more and I complain, to which she points out it`s Songkran and she`s allowed. Turns out cute and gregarious Jack has got a bit of a nasty streak to her. I grab a bucket pour one over her and make a dash for my room. Beaten into retreat by a nine-year-old. The shame.
Vicky gets in touch (that girl sleeps more than me) and I arrange to meet her at Liz`s hotel. It`s the other side of Taphae Gate, which means I have to go past the moat and through the gate to get to it, which means I`ll get soaked. I don my water-fighting clothes, and arm myself with my pistol, filling up in the pool. (It goes without saying that Jack gets blasted on the way out.)
The trip is quick so not too bad, though I do get soaked through. It`s nice just to dive in and then out. Quite frankly there`s only so much water-fighting you can do before it gets a bit old. I find Vicky hanging out by the pool with Liz and a bunch of Canadians, including Kelly. The weather`s overcast so it`s not as nice a set-up as it could be. One of the Canadian guys, Ryan, introduces himself as "the coolest guy you`ll ever meet", which of course means I devote my attention entirely to him for the rest of the afternoon. I don`t know why but I love half-serious, half-joking arrogance like that, plus he`s good-looking in a boozy frat-boy kind of way.
Ryan tells some story about him being a caddy to the Backstreet Boys a few years ago and tells how they ran off the course and over a bush when they were told some paparazzi were waiting for them on the next hole. One of them left with the words, "This shit is whack", which causes much laughter and shouts of disbelief. Kelly is particularly vocal about her thinking it`s all made-up and a very entertaining argument ensues.
We get some beers and go and sit in the pool. It`s a hot day but the weather is shit, odd bits of rain spitting on us. Ryan starts asking questions about me and I return the favour. He`s so loud and talkative that everyone just stops talking to listen to him talking about himself. This makes him quite self-conscious, hilariously. He`s fascinated that I was a journalist, and thinks it`s "AWESOME!!!!" that I interviewed Jon Bon Jovi (always a good one to pull out of the hat, I find). He`s fresh out of Uni, wants to be a "phys ed" teacher, got roped into coming to Thailand by some recruiting agency in Canada that sends people to teach in Thailand (which explains the large amount of Canadians here).
The others take the piss out of him for talking about himself so much (all I just said took a whole lot longer to tell me). He tells them I can get up and walk away whenever I want. I get up and walk away. The others piss themselves. I go back. "You don`t have to be nice," he says. "I was only joking," I grin at him. I like him, but it is a bit overwhelming being sat with all these northern Americans. I`ve gotten used to the quieter personalities of the Thai people and this is the other extreme.
Vicky eventually heads back to Dan`s, but I stay and hang out with the Canadians some more. We drink more beer, then Ryan starts on the whisky chasers. This is not what you think. This is a gulp of whisky from the bottle, then a swig of Coke from the bottle. Lethal.
We go looking for a burger joint and get soaked in the process. I am freezing by now and Kelly kindly lends me her rather fetching red Hawaiian shirt. We find a burger joint and I chat to Kelly a bit. She tells me her parents came over to visit recently and sat in on one of her classes. I tell her that would make me dead nervous but she just shrugs. Public speaking never bothered her. Not for the first time this afternoon I realise I`m with the Popular Kids again, but this time inter-acting with them and enjoying their company. There’s hope for me yet.
I head back to the guesthouse promising to meet them later and drink some more. I never make it. Pretty much as soon as I hit my bed I pass out.
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