25 Things
1. My favourite colour is holographic silver. I find it brings out my eyes.
2. I’m an excellent cook and have often been compared to Susan Sarandon.
3. I became gay at the age of eight. I found it was the only way to get attention from boys.
4. I once had a pet elephant called Thom (he was insistent on the h). All was well until he tripped me up one day with his trunk. I had him put down. That bastard.
5. My unique swimming style was learnt from the cat after I pushed it in the bath once.
6. I became straight at the age of 11. I found it was the only way to get attention from girls.
7. I met most of my best friends while studying my degree in crocheting. Woop woop big up the Crochet Crew innit! You know who you are. Love you guys. ;p
8. I am very, very good at video games. So good in fact that it goes all the way round to seeming like I’m quite bad at video games, which is very confusing for those I play with as they labour under the illusion that they’re beating me.
9. During my tenure as a ‘showbiz’ ‘journalist’ I interviewed Tina Turner. In my commitment to innovative and off the wall journalism I spent my allotted half hour attempting to gain insight into her personality and life by merely running my fingers through her thick, luscious hair. It didn’t make for a good feature, I must admit.
10. I’m a fantastic driver and have often been compared to Ricky Martin.
11. I became a gay at the age of 18 when I moved to Manchester. There was a man on the street giving out leaflets and it seemed like a fun thing to do. It’s been a rewarding hobby and it’s a great organisation to be part of. Girls are always well into it as well, so that’s a bonus. That said, they’re still not inclined to have sex with me so I need to be a bit gayer I think.
12. My parents would often punish me by placing me on top of the television and making me watch it from there.
13. I once worked as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true. But even then I knew I’d find a much better place either with or without you.
14. I once did volunteer work in Wales, building wells and drainage systems, distributing food aid, teaching English, that sort of thing. It was hugely rewarding but the flies were horrendous.
15. People often mistake me for that kid from Indiana Jones.
16. I once shot a man in the eye. He was not at all happy and complained about how much it stung.
17. I once used a jellyfish in a trifle rather than actual jelly. It killed all my dinner guests and I went to prison. That was a low point. But I learned a valuable life lesson – trifle is trouble.
18. I am an accomplished dancer and have often been compared to Hillary Clinton.
19. I was once in a dance troupe called the Scissor Brothers. Our high kicks were the talk of Wolverhampton.
20. I was once in a school play as a tree and was so good that I enjoyed a short career playing trees on TV and in film. But then a new trend kicked in where they used real trees (which still seems a bit dull to me) and it all came to an end.
21. I became straight at the age of 29 when I met and married my wife Debbie, a lesbian truck driver with a beer belly and breasts of similar dimensions. She’s off driving at the moment, and has been gone for some time. I miss her, she has a wonderful singing voice.
22. I am really friendly to the environment. I think just a simple ‘good morning’ makes a difference, don’t you?
23. When it comes to my sexual prowess I am often compared to the people that the person I’m having sex with have previously slept with.
24. I can legitimately say that I know something you don’t know. So ner.
25. I am a Cornishman and as such I always do a proper job.
1. My favourite colour is holographic silver. I find it brings out my eyes.
2. I’m an excellent cook and have often been compared to Susan Sarandon.
3. I became gay at the age of eight. I found it was the only way to get attention from boys.
4. I once had a pet elephant called Thom (he was insistent on the h). All was well until he tripped me up one day with his trunk. I had him put down. That bastard.
5. My unique swimming style was learnt from the cat after I pushed it in the bath once.
6. I became straight at the age of 11. I found it was the only way to get attention from girls.
7. I met most of my best friends while studying my degree in crocheting. Woop woop big up the Crochet Crew innit! You know who you are. Love you guys. ;p
8. I am very, very good at video games. So good in fact that it goes all the way round to seeming like I’m quite bad at video games, which is very confusing for those I play with as they labour under the illusion that they’re beating me.
9. During my tenure as a ‘showbiz’ ‘journalist’ I interviewed Tina Turner. In my commitment to innovative and off the wall journalism I spent my allotted half hour attempting to gain insight into her personality and life by merely running my fingers through her thick, luscious hair. It didn’t make for a good feature, I must admit.
10. I’m a fantastic driver and have often been compared to Ricky Martin.
11. I became a gay at the age of 18 when I moved to Manchester. There was a man on the street giving out leaflets and it seemed like a fun thing to do. It’s been a rewarding hobby and it’s a great organisation to be part of. Girls are always well into it as well, so that’s a bonus. That said, they’re still not inclined to have sex with me so I need to be a bit gayer I think.
12. My parents would often punish me by placing me on top of the television and making me watch it from there.
13. I once worked as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true. But even then I knew I’d find a much better place either with or without you.
14. I once did volunteer work in Wales, building wells and drainage systems, distributing food aid, teaching English, that sort of thing. It was hugely rewarding but the flies were horrendous.
15. People often mistake me for that kid from Indiana Jones.
16. I once shot a man in the eye. He was not at all happy and complained about how much it stung.
17. I once used a jellyfish in a trifle rather than actual jelly. It killed all my dinner guests and I went to prison. That was a low point. But I learned a valuable life lesson – trifle is trouble.
18. I am an accomplished dancer and have often been compared to Hillary Clinton.
19. I was once in a dance troupe called the Scissor Brothers. Our high kicks were the talk of Wolverhampton.
20. I was once in a school play as a tree and was so good that I enjoyed a short career playing trees on TV and in film. But then a new trend kicked in where they used real trees (which still seems a bit dull to me) and it all came to an end.
21. I became straight at the age of 29 when I met and married my wife Debbie, a lesbian truck driver with a beer belly and breasts of similar dimensions. She’s off driving at the moment, and has been gone for some time. I miss her, she has a wonderful singing voice.
22. I am really friendly to the environment. I think just a simple ‘good morning’ makes a difference, don’t you?
23. When it comes to my sexual prowess I am often compared to the people that the person I’m having sex with have previously slept with.
24. I can legitimately say that I know something you don’t know. So ner.
25. I am a Cornishman and as such I always do a proper job.
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