Kickboxing

Hello.

I just wanted to express (and therefore get rid of) the growing fear I have about my upcoming grading. I'm going for my orange belt soon (I'll let you know when it was if I pass!). It's the third belt (blue, green, orange, purple, brown, black) and I will be immensely chuffed if and when I get it as the whole process has been so unexpected.

When I got into kickboxing I did it merely to get fit. I'd recently come through the traumatic break-up of a three year relationship and needed something to take my mind off it and fill my life. I'd always wanted to take up a martial art or similar (I had a brief dabble with Tae Kwon Do at university) and saw my new-found freedom as the perfect opportunity to do so.

Kickboxing was perfect for me. An inspirational exercising of both body and mind that allowed me to get to know myself in a way I never thought possible. It made me realise just how little I knew the limits of my body (and mind) and how I could push and improve them. And it was (and still is) a massive source of confidence. I'd gone into it with what was my usual attitude - just do as much as I can, if I don't like it bail out. But I discovered I had something of a talent for it and the teachers taught me a new attitude - do as much as you can and if you find something hard, keep trying until you can do it better.

Armed with this new attitude I embarked on the grading journey. What was amazing about this was that I didn't have to. Our school caters for people of differing attitudes to the sport, you can become as involved (or not) as you like. But with the encouragement of my teachers - they tell you straight up whether you're good enough to grade or not - I decided to take a chance and see what happened. I got my blue belt. I was so proud. I told everyone I knew.

Now I'm on a journey that I can't turn back from, and what surprises me is that I don't want to. I want that orange belt more than anything. It will be my biggest achievement this year, no doubt. But there's the little fear that I'll have travelled on this road that little bit too far, and that what I want to achieve is beyond my reach. I've gotten very good at ignoring that fear - it's easy when you have someone who has practiced martial arts for over 20 years telling you that you're good enough to grade. But it's still there.

My technique is good but my speed needs improving. The reason I'm slow is less to do with power and more to do with the fact that (this is where it gets a bit grose) my feet don't sweat as much as other people's. I can't get a good grip on the floor. I need to find something that gives me a bit of traction (we can't wear footwear). But I do worry about the power aspect as well. Will I have enough stamina to get through two hours of non-stop frenetic physical activity? My breakfast that morning will be bananas. Lots of them.

I know I can do it. I'm just nervous. Old insecurities are niggling. It's all about preparation, and working hard towards a goal that is absolutely achievable if I put my mind to it.

Aah, I feel better now. Wish me luck.