I pace up and down the beach trying to work out which way I’m supposed to be going and eventually some Thai dudes point me in the right direction. I head into the trees and there’s a sort of path of earth and rocks that goes up at a very steep incline. I’m sweating within minutes. Once again I’m grateful for my minimal rucksack and belongings. It’s steep, hard-going, but I’m enjoying it.
I’ve not hiked since college when I went on a trip to Austria with the Duke of Edinburgh award organization. I only joined up with it because I knew my schoolboy crush Laurence Pidcock was doing it. But it was a great holiday – we were hiking through all these snow-covered mountains, it was ace. Although during the holiday I did have to watch Laurence get it together with my friend Stephanie, lucky cow. But anyway.
After a while my calves start to ache, but it feels good. I’ve not sweated this much since my summer kickboxing sessions, and my body is enjoying the endorphin rush it’s getting. I see the Belgian couple on the way down. The woman is really sweet and apologises for going up without me. She says she looked out for me. I tell her not to worry; I was busy sleeping and eating this morning. I wish them well and move on. I take it slowly – my calves are used to it now but my back is complaining. But at least I’m not sweating there – the webbing protecting my back from the bag is a blessing. This is definitely what this bag was made for.
I see a few more people on their way down; some are friendly, others not so. And then I finally make it to a crossroads. It’s taken me half an hour. The signage at the crossroads is not overly helpful but I work out which way I’m supposed to go to Ton Sai. But I’ve not reached Viewpoint yet and try and work out which way to go for that. I guess that up is the best way and start climbing up a not very walking-friendly path. But it’s the right guess and I reach the top of the hill.
At first I think I’ve stumbled onto someone’s house. There’s a nice garden with a homely-looking building to the side of it. But I venture in and see a little shop at the front of the ‘house’, and some other walkers sat around on rocks, taking photos of a breath-taking view. The viewpoint looks down on Ton Sai and you can see the whole village, both beaches, and both bays stretching out each side. It’s beautiful. I take some photos, have a drink and a cigarette and then start thinking about going down towards Ton Sai.
I head back to the crossroads the way I came, only realising there was a path down from the house when I get down there. But whatever, I’m enjoying this hiking malarkey. Thing is, that’s my lot with the hiking. As I head down towards Ton Sai I hit a path. With steps. I’m gutted. I was expecting some longish, difficult trek across the island. But I get concrete steps. I so could have made it across the island with one hour’s sleep and not knowing where I was going, and saved myself 500 baht. But then, I reason, I wouldn’t have ridden in a longboat and that was quite cool.
I come into Ton Sai via the residential area and most people are outside their houses cooking lunch. I walk past more building sites with their rickety-looking wooden scaffolding. I presume their building hotels but they look like office buildings. Then I get into the main area and walk past a tattoo shop that inks you with bamboo. I stand there and gawp at it. How painful would that be? How cool would that be? I decide that this is a rite of passage I need to go through at some point and make a mental note to come back. I get to the pier and find I’ve an hour or so 'til the boat leaves so I go on the internet. When I pay the man he does that ‘forgetting’ to give me my change thing, even though I’m stood there waiting. These Thai people can be well cheeky sometimes.
When I get on the boat there’s more of a mix of people and nationalities than on the way when I was with the Popular Kids. There are a handful of beautiful men to look at on the journey though, one of whom has the bluest eyes and blackest hair I have ever seen. He’s stunning. I get the iPod out to soundtrack the passing blue water and green islands. Some Gary Wilson-procured house segues surprisingly well into Siouxsie Sioux’s Spellbound, which goes well with NERD’s Baby Doll. Then it throws up Janet Jackson’s Whoops Now, which is cheesy as hell but is a song about not being able to go out in the sun cos you’re working, so I appreciate the irony.
Then it throws up a song called Slice by Dave Dobbyn & Herbs which is on a compilation of music from New Zealand that my Kiwi former colleague Lucy made me to get me in the mood for when I head to her homeland. The song is hilarious and sounds like Go West meets Graceland-era Paul Simon. I’m hoping the song was made in the 80s and not last year, otherwise New Zealanders have a fair bit of catching up to do when it comes to music!
I pass the boat journey in much the same way as I used to walk about London – by pretending I’m in a music video. This is a better video, of course, what with the sun beating down on blue water around me and me being surrounded by more beautiful men with fewer clothes on.
We arrive at a place called Krabi, which is the other side of Phi Phi to Phuket. It’s here I’m getting the bus from but first I have to board a ‘sawngthaew’ (literally, ‘two rows’) which is a truck with two benches either side of the truck bed. It looks like a boat on wheels.
I get on and a German couple studiously ignores me, and everything else going on around them. So I amuse myself by watching a group of chubby Australian girls get on with The Biggest Bags In The World. What’s even funnier is that they’re not wearing much – so what the hell have they got in there?? The bags piss off everyone else, especially those that have to stand on the back of the truck, holding on for dear life.
We travel through Krabi. It just seems like a normal Thai town; I see nothing touristy here. There’s no neon as far as the eye can see. We stop at a travel agent to wait for the bus to Bangkok. I plonk myself outside, away from the noisy Aussie girls, at a table where a bald-headed man with arms covered in tattoos is sat. He has watery blue eyes and his goatee gives away his red hair. We start chatting as some food arrives for him. It’s full of chillies and shrimps still with their tails. He can’t speak for a minute or so as he eats a chilli, then he spends as much time picking them out as eating.
I tell him I’ve just come from Phi Phi. He tells me it looked really commercial and I agree, telling him about Hat Ranti. He’s been to Ko Yai Noi and some other places similarly off the beaten track. I find out his name is Elias and he’s Icelandic but lives in Sweden and is here on holiday. He met up with some mates who are travelling, and is now heading back to Bangkok for a few days before going back to sub-zero Sweden. It’s now half-four and he tells me he’s been waiting there since 12pm for a lift to the airport. Another example of Thai time-keeping. He’s had a wander round Krabi but there’s not much to see or do here. My bus arrives and I tell him I’m pretty sure they’ll get him to his flight on time; they always seem to manage it. He laughs and agrees and we say goodbye.
The bus is garish pink and blue colours with manga-type cartoon characters on the side. The décor inside isn’t much better. I get a seat and about five minutes into the journey they start pumping Bryan Adams over the PA system. I don my iPod. But I occasionally have a listen and all they seem to be playing is 80s hair metal and soft rock. I’m grateful for my iPod. I watch the Thai countryside go past. It’s all lush foliage with knuckles of rock punching up through the green.
It gets dark and they put Casino Royale on. I’m happy cos I’ve been dying to see this. But I don’t hear half the dialogue cos the sound is bad. I miss most of the one-liners but it doesn’t matter – the set-pieces take up much of the film. They don’t seem to have messed with the formula much – it’s much more violent than your average James Bond film but the glamour side of it and the action is still turned up to 11, and Bond still gets out of ridiculous situations with ease. Daniel Craig is good but pouts too much. What is that about?? He looks like Bond should though – built and powerful, not like a geography teacher (sorry, Pierce).
I’m starting to regret not eating with Elias as it’s nearing midnight and we’ve not stopped for food. But then we do at the Thai equivalent of a service station. There are no Ginsters pasties here, however. I get an amazing green curry with vegetable rice. It’s good, homemade food, and cheap – only 60 baht. Like all good service stations they do rip you off though. While buying some water I see a Mars Bar. And I want it badly. I feel like I’ve not seen such a beautiful thing for A Very Long Time. It’s two-thirds the size of a Mars Bar in the UK but the woman charges me 50 baht for it. Cheeky as. But I don’t care; it’s the best thing to have touched my tongue in a long time (insert rude comment here) and is worth every satang.
I’m with more groups and more pairs. There is one guy who seems to be on his own but he’s wandering around like a loon and looks a bit weird so again I eat alone. I watch a Thai programme on the telly on the wall. It has samurai warriors, World War II planes and cowboys and makes no sense whatsoever. It’s actually hard to tell what’s an ad and what’s not. It’s messing with my head so I go to the loo. Another hole in the ground. The water by the side of it that you’re supposed to pour down the loo to flush it is fucking filthy so I resist putting my hands in it. Someone else can flush it. I get back on the bus and finally sleep comes.
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